The Whole Damn Story: My Journey to Polyamory

For years, I chased a version of love I thought I was supposed to want. The kind my parents had: Rocky and imperfect, yes, but undeniably devoted. I craved that kind of unconditional connection, hoping it would heal the parts of me that felt denied, abandoned, or misunderstood.

But the path I took to get there? It was messy. Beautifully, painfully messy.

I came out, left the church, tried to find myself in relationships, in sex, in substances, in the chaos of self-loathing and self-discovery. I lost a lot—-my job, my home, my sense of self. And then I found something even more powerful: The fight to reclaim my worth.

I learned that I'm one of the most incredible people I know. I have so much to offer. And the world tried to stop me because it feared the truth of who I am. But I made it. I fought through the darkness, embraced my demons, and came out whole.

And now? I love myself. Fully. Fiercely. Unapologetically.

🌈 Where the Awakening Began

Naturally, I thought the next step was finding "The One." That perfect guy who would complete the puzzle. And I tried. Oh, I tried.

Joey, Keith, Will, Sean, Shawn, Jordan, Scott, Brian, Casey, Braedon, Grant, Andy, Mikey, Tony, Tony, Eric, Lance, Jonathan, Ash... and so many more. People "joked" (a.k.a., wittingly bashed) with me asking, "How many men have you dated and been with?" I lost count how many times I've tried, and I could easily count on my fingers the length of time I've been committed in my lifetime (just a bit over 2 years commited entirely, if anyone's counting). Single the rest of the time.

Not to say each guy wasn't worth it either, nor were they in any way at fault... each relationship has its own situations and dichotomy. Yet each guy taught me something. Each guy cracked open a new layer of my understanding about myself and what I wanted. But none of them stuck. Not because they weren't amazing. But because I kept trying to fit myself into a mold that wasn't mine.

Every time, something didn't align. Something hurt. Something felt off. Something fell apart. And eventually, I had to ask: What if the problem wasn't them? What if I was trying to live a relationship style that just didn't fit me? What if I'm needing to reevaluate myself and who I am? (By which, many of you tried haha... the stubborn man that I am.)

🔥 The Realization: I'm Not Monogamous

As I kept discovering and exploring, that word—restriction—kept surfacing. That's how I felt each time while committed. And in the end, I finally realized that I wasn't built for monogamy. It wasn't that I was failing at love, nor that I didn't crave things like romance, a husband, things like that. No...Instead, I was trying to force myself into a structure that didn't honor my inner truth and heart of hearts.

What was next then? I started exploring polyamory. Slowly. Cautiously. And then, with full-bodied relief, I discovered solo polyamory.

Solo polyamory, by definition, allows for cultivating multiple loving relationships while maintaining personal autonomy and self-authorship as the central anchor. In other words, it allows for the freedom to define each relationship on its own terms, with no boundaries, no specific "box", but instead as a living container that is fluid, ever evolving, and free—-all without me sacrificing my sovereignty or creative flow.

I finally found it. It all made sense. It felt like home.

I knew this right away because of how I was acting in past relationships. I felt closed off when dating just one guy, unable to fully partake of experiencing life because of the restrictions being in a one-man relationship brought. And spending time with friends on trips, I was rarely WITH my group of friends, getting to know other guys and groups based on their lives, their desires, and going from there... also a hindrance.

One example was a trip in Las Vegas with my "second family," as I like to call them. While we spent wonderful times together, I could not help but stray so many times with multiple groups of guys from all over the country who just happened to be there at the same time. Not for sexuality or physicality sake... but because of CURIOSITY. What made them tick? Who were they? Why were they interested in me? What were their backgrounds? So many things...

As it turns out, I thrive on connection. I love learning about people, sharing joy, offering support, and experiencing intimacy in all its forms—friendship, sensuality, emotional depth. I don't want to be tethered to one person. I want to be free to love many, on my terms and theirs.

💖 Why Solo Polyamory Works for Me

• I value autonomy. I want to define and have relationships without rigid labels.
• I respect people deeply and multitask effortlessly.
• I enjoy fluidity—some connections are sexual, others emotional, some platonic. All are valid to me and equally full of worth.
• I have a high sex drive and crave variety. Monogamy doesn't serve that part of me. And I'm not ashamed of it anymore.
• I want to experience people and life without restriction.
• I am open to experiences and giving love to all sorts of people who wish to have it from me... because I know love is boundless and endless.

When I let go of the "boyfriend" and "husband" labels, everything started working. Relationships became authentic, joyful, and aligned. No expectations. No guilt. Just truth.

🌟 Final Thoughts

This isn't a rejection of love—it's a celebration of it. I love fiercely. I love abundantly. And I finally understand that my way of loving is valid, beautiful, and deeply resonant.

So here I am. Whole. Radiant. Polyamorous. And proud.